I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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