I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
