people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.