smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
