And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
