my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
