Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
