Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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