He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
