I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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