I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
