You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
