So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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