I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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