Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
