Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
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Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels