hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.