i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I am midnight drunk by noon
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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