I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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