The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
