In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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