So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
