When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
