How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
