When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
