Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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