I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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