Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
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I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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