Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
