God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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