Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
