Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
