Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
