After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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