I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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