just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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