In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
