I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
