i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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