I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
