I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
