I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
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my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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