youre lurking in front of me
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
