Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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