Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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