yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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