I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
