i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
