college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She made me pour olive oil on her.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
