You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
