Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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