better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
