just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
