wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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